Here's Your Sign

Bill Engvall has made a career out of the stupid statements people make, saying that stupid people should carry a sign identifying themselves.  He is my favorite comedian.  In case you’re not familiar with Bill’s “Here’s Your Sign” jokes, here are a few.  I hope they brighten your day.

(Please remember, these are jokes, intended for fun.  They are not meant to offend any person or group of people.)

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Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and asked, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist so I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

One day I locked my keys in my car and as I was standing there with a coat hanger halfway thru the top of my window, a guy walks up and says," Lock yer keys in the car?" Without missing a beat I said, "Nope, Just washed it and was hanging it up to dry."...Here's your sign.


It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."


A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine. We pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"
I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."


Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor.
The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?"
I looked at here and said, deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."


I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?"
I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."


I arrived home the other day, and it was just pouring rain outside so by the time I got from the car to the front door I am SOAKED. I walk in side and take off my jacket and my wife says "Is it raining out" I couldn’t help myself when I replied "Nope, I had to take the gold fish for a walk. Here's your sign."

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